Guest columnist Harlan Rippington is Pastor of the Last Church of Christ in Muscogee, Oklahoma
Everyone’s riled up about the debacles in Iraq and New Orleans, the NSA’s warrantless spying, prisoner abuse in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib, bribery scandals, hookergate, extreme rendition, illegal secret prisons, the Valerie Plame scandal, porous border security, spiraling oil prices, the widening gap between rich and poor, skyrocketing national debt, and the slowing economy. I say, Get a grip! What this country really needs is legislation banning same sex marriage! As anyone who has read the story of Sodom knows, all of the aforementioned “problems” are the result of God’s wrath at us for allowing men to lie with men and women with women.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a healthy heterosexual man who actually enjoys watching a couple of good-looking women kissing and licking and talking dirty to each other, but to let them marry is a sin against all of creation! Let’s keep lesbianism where it belongs—on the internet for my personal, private enjoyment! Besides, most of the lesbians who hold hands and cozy up to each other in public are frumpy, man-hating, divorced 50 year olds. One rarely sees a pair of nubile twentysomethings in lingerie and heels getting all juiced up in the automotive aisle in WalMart. So what’s the point?
Now I know my fellow Americans are disappointed with the Republicans. I know the war in Iraq has not gone well. I know gas is over three dollars a gallon and the economy is slowing. I know we’ve got bribery scandals and we’re all being spied on illegally. But, come on! Let’s not get distracted by trivialities! We’ve got bigger fish to fry! Of course they won’t actually pass any laws, but that’s because those evil Democrats will filibuster or make some “reasonable argument” based on “constitutional guarantees.” But they’re trying. What more can you ask?
So let’s get out the vote for the senators and representatives who have the courage and stamina to stand up to the Ted Kennedys of the world and lead a rousing debate about the evils of same sex marriage EVERY TWO YEARS! Yes, EVERY TWO YEARS the Republicans try to save America! EVERY TWO YEARS the Grand Old Party sets aside the trivialities of war, corruption, national debt, and the floundering economy to focus on the SOUL OF AMERICA! So let’s get out and support them! Besides, most of the really hot lesbians on the internet aren’t lesbians at all—they’re just really, really good actresses!