Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

This Just In: News That Stays News

PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES
NEW EDUCATION INITIATIVE
Vows to Route Non-Readers
from their Hiding Places
and Destroy Them

An angry President Bush
addresses non-reader

Fort Benning, Georgia--In his latest move to improve education in America, President George W. Bush today announced "Operation Total Literacy."

"Let this be a warning to all non-readers," the President said during his monthly review of the troops at Fort Benning, "America will not tolerate the illiterate. You may think America does not care that you're illiterate. You may think that America does not have the will to act to correct your illiteracy. But let this be a warning: America cares about literacy and America will not tolerate illiteracy. Wherever we must go, be it East L.A. or Appalachia, West Texas or right here in Georgia, that is where we will go. And whatever military resources are required, America is prepared to supply. We will travel, fully armed, to every corner of this great nation. We will find the illiterate and we will destroy them."

Operation Total Literacy is the first of a series of education initiatives planned by the administration, though the president would not speak about the other initiatives because of "national security issues." Sources close to the president indicated that several intiatives are nearly ready for unveiling, including "Operation Add, Subtract, Multiply or Die"; "Operation Name All Fifty States and Their Capitals or Die"; "Operation Draw and Label the Parts of a Cell or Die"; and "Operation Make a Diorama about Lewis & Clark or Die."

"You know," the president said to a group of senior officers gathered in the Officers' Club after his speech, "some of our critics have questioned our committment to education. Some of our critics have said we are soft on education. Well, let those critics beware, because we will not stop until America is 100% literate."

Both House and Senate leaders announced that they supported Operation Total Literacy and would deliver a declaration of war on the illiterate by the end of the week.

posted by ¡Chuckissimo! | 2:29 PM

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