Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Monday, December 26, 2005

from THE DEVIL'S NEW DICTIONARY

Christmas, n. That time of year when we buy people who don't care things they don't need with money we don't have.

3 Comments:

Blogger Camille said...

With the author's permission I would officially like to steal your definition. Thanks, merry christmas, here have a fig

1:34 AM  
Blogger poetry4 said...

the definitions sounds right, but I do wonder if the holiday name soud be changed to Big Brown Baby Jesus Day, with songs to match such as: BBBJ Ridin' Low in Dah' Humma, Sittin' Sideways Rollin' Up on Dah' Twenty-fif, My Corwn Vic on Trues and Holly, Bumpin' Bushwick Bill on Big Baby Eve.

1:18 PM  
Blogger ¬°Davissimo! said...

All of the above.

Davissimo

4:56 PM  

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