Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Education

SUICIDE BOMBER PROVES POOR CAREER CHOICE
Earnings, Benefits Pale Compared to Alternatives

Palestine--A new study commissioned by the Pan-Arab Employment Agency shows that suicide bomber, a career favored by a growing number of Arab youth, is actually a poor overall choice. Despite a recent increase in payments to surviving families of suicide bombers from $10,000 to $25,000, the long term earnings of even camel-dung shovelers far exceed those of suicide bombers.

Experts compared suicide bomber to a number of other jobs available to Arab youth on several criteria--wages, job security, opportunities for advancement, relative safety of the work environment, and benefits. In each case, suicide bomber finished at or near the bottom of the scale.

Guidance counselors at West Palestine High say they generally discourage teens from pursuing a career as a suicide bomber. At a recent Career Day, no one was minding the suicide bomber booth despite the long lines of young prospective bombers. But the absence of an actual suicide bomber was not, officials say, a deliberate manipulation.

"Actually," said Rahim al Quira, Assistant Guidance Counselor, "it's difficult to find an actual suicide bomber to come speak to the children. Several near-suicide bombers have come forward, but even with their missing limbs and shrapnel wounds, the students consider them failures, so they make poor role models."

2 Comments:

Blogger xavyeronassis said...

Man, I guess that makes my degree from IAIA just about worthless then, doesn't it?

8:32 PM  
Blogger ¬°Davissimo! said...

I always wondered what your major was...

8:51 PM  

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