Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

from THE DEVIL’S NEW DICTIONARY

Poem, n. That which a poet writes and a reader puzzles over.

Poet, n. 1. A person who uses his or her erudition and vocabulary to exclude the readers he or she then chastises for being excluded. 2. One who experiences life more intensely than the rest of us and then makes us feel bad by writing about it. 3. One who values one’s own enterprise beyond all others, despite or because of the fact that the enterprise is not valued at all by anyone else. 4. One who makes small crafts out of paper and sails them on a sea of indifference.

Poetic, adj. Something that fails to be poetry by striving to be poetry.

Poetry, n. A narrowing of the prose for which there is no known cure.

posted by ¡Chuckissimo! | 12:17 AM

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