Voyd of Course

"It's like the Onion, only skinnier!" --Milton Swift "Still worth the price of the paper it's not printed on." --Felicia DuBois "The unspeakable, spoken." --Malin Wuptke "More interesting than computer solitaire, though perhaps not so effective a distraction from the void." --Harlan J. Rippington "Satire today, history tomorrow." --Steven Wallace

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Location: Santa Fe, NM, United States

In 1966, I wrote a fake newspaper article under the headline "JACK CASS SETS WORLD SHOWERING RECORD." Mr. Yohans, my 9th grade English teacher, liked it so well that he read it aloud--to much not-quite-suppressed giggling, at the sound of which, Mr Yohans said, "What? What? Did I miss something here?" I spent the rest of the afternoon in Principal Leon Duff's outer office. When Mr. Duff, who was a busy man, decided he didn't have time to see me, his secretary sent me back to the classroom, where I was greeted like McMurphy returning from solitary. Emboldened by my de facto exoneration, my friends began work on their own fake news stories. I remember a spate of Russian names in the stories, including "Ivan Kutchikokoff" and "Ivan Jerkinov." Needless to say, our newly suspicious teacher sent both of my friends to Mr. Duff's office, where they were not as bureaucratically blessed as I had been. They sat detention for a week. This I took as a lesson in subtlety--and in how to start a commotion and slip from the room before the law comes down.

Monday, October 17, 2005

From the Archives

AN UNTOLD 9/11 STORY: STONERS PANICKED, FEARING ATTACK FROM “SCARAB TERRORISTS”

Newark--On September 11, 2001, Rob Geiss and Tommy Ardolino were “doing some really fine bud” and watching “Good Morning America” after finishing their night shift in the warehouse at Scholastic Books when they were temporarily panicked by rumors of “scarab terrorists.”

Visions of gigantic golden beetles landing on U.S. shores, destroying malls and skyscrapers and crushing automobiles temporarily paralyzed the two, who have been best buds, according to Ardolino, for, like, five years.

“All I could see were these gigantic metallic beetles, like, stomping through the streets of, like, Newark,” said Geiss. “And, like, the National Guard’s weapons were, like, useless against them. And they had, like, lasers and shit. Whew. The whole thing sent me to the pantry for, like, two bags of Fritos.”

Ardolino was equally frightened. “When I first heard about the scarab terrorists, I thought, like, who woulda thunk it. I mean, we’re always worried about those Middle East psychos, and here come these big beetles.”

It wasn’t until after noon, when Willie Murphy, a co-worker, called to tell them about the alleged “Arab terrorists” that the two were able to calm down enough to stop stuffing their faces and get some sleep.

“As bad as it turned out,” said Geiss, “I’m still glad there weren’t any scarabs involved.” “Ditto,” said an obviously relieved Ardolino.

3 Comments:

Blogger xavyeronassis said...

There is really something wrong with you...

9:03 PM  
Blogger ¡Davissimo! said...

Onassis, huh? You wouldn't be the same Onassis who was involved in a little operation down Santa Fe way? A little operation called The Apple? Ring a bell?

9:12 PM  
Blogger Loca415 said...

HAHAHAHAH

9:00 PM  

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