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SWIFT BOAT VETERANS ADMIT: MIND-BLOWING WEED DISTORTED MEMORIES
Midland, Texas—In a clandestine press conference in south Midland, Texas, yesterday, a member of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confessed that nobody really knows what happened on March 13, 1969, the day John Kerry pulled Jim Rassman out of the Bay Hap River--an act for which Kerry was awarded the Bronze Star.
“We were into some killer shit that day,” said the man, who identified himself as a passenger on Lester Thurlow’s swift boat. “All I remember is the colors, how everything seemed more intense than usual, and how it seemed to take hours just to move your hand from here to here.” The man moved his hand a foot to the right.
“Then there were noises. I remember thinking that it sounded like a Keith Moon drum solo. I thought to myself, ‘maybe we should do something,’ but the moment passed and I nodded out. When I snapped out of it, boats were speeding around like bumper cars. It was like, Wow, what’s all this?”
The man also claimed that a recent meeting of the Swift Boat Vets fell apart over a prolonged off-the-record argument over whether they’d smoked Thai sticks or sensimilla. One vet even suggested it was black Lebanese hash. According to the man’s account, the meeting broke up with Lester Thurlow grumbling, “Kerry always had the best weed, and he never shared.”
A few enterprising vets suggested that Kerry’s stinginess could be the theme of the Vets’ next attack ad.